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GlasgowTravel AdviceHere's a handy wee guide to the exotic 'Street Life' you are very likely to encounter en-route from Pub to Dinner during an evening in Glasgow. The Common NedThe common ned, as the name suggests, is the most common type of ned you will come across in Glasgow. This widespread ned will invariably be kitted out in brightly coloured track suits, which serves as a warning to decent folk to stay away, much like the brightly coloured stripes of a wasp. Another trait borrowed from the animal kingdom is the almost perpendicular cap angle, which can be equated to an animals instinctual response to a threat which may include ears pointing upwards, tail erect, or feathers cocked. To continue the animal analogy, these neds will travel in squads, and feel uncomfortable not doing so. Though, as they are so common, you will see many scattered all over the place, not unlike a plague or rats. Curiously, the Common Ned behaves as if he is amidst a plague of rats: trackies tucked into bright white socks stuffed into dazzlingly colourful trainers. Their squad culture gives them more confidence to harass members of the general public and if you see a troop of neds in the street or in a bus shelter or in a local park you may well become a target for their abuse and you may well hear such phrases uttered as 'you're a pure poofy wee p***k' or 'look at the state ay you ya dobber' (a particularly ironic one). These phrases vary greatly and it is rare to hear the same line more than once from the same ned. The Dressed NedIt should be mentioned that it is rare to find a common ned over the age of 18. When a common ned gets old enough they will no longer wish to hang about in a bus shelter and they will usually graduate to become a 'Dressed Ned'. These neds can be seen in abundance on a Friday or Saturday night in Glasgow city centre. They will usually be wearing clothes which on average would have come to over 300 pounds, not including the tanning parlour fee. They will attend such lovely places as The Moon night club or perhaps Archaos or Destiny or the Savoy or Victoria's or Walkabout (previously I would have mentioned Bonkers but the council got some sense on that front). If you wish to see some of these neds but don't wish to go to any of their places you may find it fruitful to hang around the streets at 3am on a weekend night and watch them fight and bottle each other until the sun comes up. I highly recommend the area at the intersection between Sauchiehall Street and Renfield Street as this is truly scumbag central between 2am and 4am every Friday and Saturday night. It is like a little Bermuda triangle of seriously bad clubs and it's a haven for the dressed ned. Why do they all want to be Gareth Gates? The Beggar NedGlasgow just wouldn't be Glasgow without the good old beggar ned. These neds make a (fairly healthy) living out of simply asking people for money in the street. If you give them the money they ask for they wont sing you a song, they wont do you a dance and they probably wont even thank you. Their request for 20p will usually be accompanied by a heart breaking story, but don't worry because the story isn't actually true. Perhaps if they toned it down a bit and made it more believable people would be fooled more often but then intelligence was never a virtue of the beggar ned. These neds will generally look similar to a common ned but only if you took the common ned and rolled him in some mud for a day or two then urinated on him. The Wee Cheeky NedFirstly I should point out that all neds have big mouths, and many are cheeky, but the Cheeky Ned is an astonishingly impudent breed of ned, easily differentiated from the more common varieties. The purveyor of many a mischievous comment, this ned is full of disrespect for and defiance towards everyone and everything. Below average height, face permanently bearing an unsettlingly impish grin, and a voice as of yet unbroken, these tykes can be extremely irritating. And this irritation is amplified by the fact you can do absolutely nothing about it. Whenever you spot one, the chances are they will be surrounded by a scattering of Common Neds and a "Goon ned". It is this ned-curtain that gives them the courage to speak out at anything, and instils them with their legendary defiance. When surrounded by their kind, these neds fear nothing. They will mock any authority, whether it is a security guard, or a train-driver, and square up to people twice their size, separating them from their more common cousins who's cheekiness is largely incidental. So, if you ever trip up in the street in front of a squad of neds, and a mocking, shrill scream followed by elaborate impressions of you, replaces the more common 'ha ha, look at you ya nugget', you'll know that the troop was blessed with a cheeky ned. The Mad NedThis ned is quite rare, and will, more often than not, travel alone. Without even a trace of a conscience, the Mad Ned is very dangerous, and if spotted, must be avoided. Do not confuse this type of ned with the typical hard-man of a ned troop. The garden variety hard-man's tough guy image is merely an act of machismo, and will in most cases disappear along with his squad. The Mad Ned is a highly anti-social individual without a twinge of humanity who, when travelling with a squad, is the one described by his pals as having 'taken it too far', whether that be kicking a man to death, or introducing a cat to a firework. So, wherever a ned squad goes too far, a mad ned was travelling with them. Ordinary neds themselves fear them, and behave like sycophants around them. More commonly, however, perhaps resulting from a slightly psychotic nature, they travel alone, with the aim to destroy people and property. Many have graced our televisions in programmes showing CCTV footage: the man seemingly without purpose, walking down the street at 2am damaging car after car; the unprovoked attack on a passer-by culminating in several stamps to the head; those curious individuals that push a blade into an innocent bystander for no other reason than they were there at the time. Unable to inhibit impulses in their brains like the rest of us, if this ned has a golf club, he will swing it whether he is playing golf or not, rather similar to the way a young child will attack anything and everything if given a plastic sword. Species: Ned
Further travel and lifestyle advice available at the following: http://www.chunkideas.com/snowball/ ClothingThe kilt is perhaps one of the most immediately recognisable indicators of a persons links to Scotland. The wearing of a kilt is not mandatory for all scots, nor indeed is it mandatory that only Scots can wear kilts, however there is one element of the wearing of the kilt that is subject to significant discussion, particularly amongst the female of the species. Here, I think we can shed some light on the matter, at least for some occasions at any rate.
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